How to find a Catholic spiritual director

A Catholic spiritual director is someone who meets with you regularly, often once a month, to help you notice how God is working in your life and how to respond. To find one, start by asking your parish priest, then your diocese's office for spiritual life, a nearby retreat center or a religious order. Many directors ask nothing or only a donation. Here's what direction is, who can give it, and how to choose well.

What is spiritual direction?

Spiritual direction is an ongoing conversation about your relationship with God. You talk about your prayer, your desires, your struggles, the decisions in front of you, and the places where you sense God moving or seem to feel nothing at all. The director listens, asks questions, and helps you see what you might miss on your own.

The Church has always valued this. The Catechism says the Holy Spirit gives some of the faithful gifts of wisdom, faith and discernment to help others pray, and it names this spiritual direction (CCC 2690). The real director, in the Catholic understanding, is the Holy Spirit. The human director helps you listen.

What spiritual direction is not

• It isn't therapy. A director isn't treating anything. If you're dealing with depression, anxiety, trauma or an addiction, a counselor or support group is the right help, and direction can go alongside it. Good directors will tell you when something is beyond them.
• It isn't Confession. Only a priest can absolve sins, and only in the sacrament. You can talk about your sins in direction, but that's not the same as confessing them. Some directors are priests who also hear your confession, sometimes at the same meeting. If so, the sacrament is a separate moment, and only what you say in it falls under the seal of confession. A good director keeps what you share confidential, but outside the sacrament that's a promise of trust, not the seal, and it can have limits, for example if someone is in danger.
• It isn't being told what to do. A director helps you discern. You make your own decisions. Older books sometimes speak of obedience to a director, but a healthy director today respects your freedom.

Who can be a spiritual director?

Priests, deacons, religious sisters and brothers, and trained lay men and women can all give spiritual direction. You don't need a priest unless you want your director and confessor to be the same person, which many people find helpful.

What matters more than the title is the person. Look for someone who prays seriously, is faithful to the Church, has been formed or trained for this work, and has a director of their own. Many dioceses and retreat centers run formation programs for lay directors, so it's fair to ask where someone trained.

How do I find a Catholic spiritual director?

1. Ask your parish priest. He may offer direction himself or know who does. Even a busy pastor usually knows a few names.
2. Call your diocese. Many dioceses keep a list of approved directors, often through an office for spiritual life, formation or vocations.
3. Try a retreat center. Catholic retreat houses often have directors on staff and see people between retreats. Jesuit retreat houses usually offer Ignatian direction, built on St. Ignatius's way of prayer and discernment.
4. Contact a religious community. Benedictine, Carmelite, Dominican, Franciscan and other communities near you may have priests, sisters or brothers who give direction, each in their own tradition.
5. Ask people you trust. A friend whose faith you admire may already have a director and can introduce you.

If you use an online directory, check that the person is Catholic and formed in the Catholic tradition. Many directories are ecumenical or interfaith, which isn't wrong in itself, but you'll want someone who shares your faith and knows the sacraments from the inside.

What should I ask a possible director?

A first meeting is a chance for both of you to see if it fits. It's normal to ask:

• Where did you train, and do you have a director or supervisor yourself?
• Which tradition shapes how you give direction?
• How often would we meet, for how long, and in person or by video?
• Is there a fee, or do you ask for a donation?
• How do you keep what I share confidential?
• If you're a priest, could you also hear my confession?

Then notice how you felt. Did you feel listened to? Could you be honest? It's fine to meet two or three people before you choose, and fine to say "I don't think this is the right fit" afterward.

How often, and what does it cost?

Most people meet about once a month, for 45 minutes to an hour. Some meet every few weeks in a season of big decisions and less often when life is steady.

Priests and religious usually give direction free of charge, though an offering to the parish or community is welcome. Lay directors, who often do this alongside other work, may ask for a donation or a fee, and many have a sliding scale. Ask at the start so it's clear. Money should never be a reason you go without, so say so if cost is hard for you.

What happens in a session?

Usually you begin with a short prayer. Then you talk about what's been happening in your life with God since last time: your prayer, what stirred you, what bored you, where you felt resistance. The director listens and asks questions. Sometimes they'll suggest a passage of Scripture or a way of praying for the coming month. It helps to come with one or two things on your mind. A simple daily prayer routine and a nightly examen give you plenty to bring.

Red flags in a spiritual director

Most directors are good, humble people. Still, it's worth knowing the warning signs. Be careful if a director:

• tells you what to decide about your vocation, marriage, job or money, instead of helping you discern;
• asks you to keep the relationship secret from your spouse, your confessor or your family;
• makes you feel dependent, as if you can't hear God without them;
• crosses physical or emotional boundaries, or lets meetings drift toward romance;
• talks mostly about themselves, or shares other people's confidences;
• teaches against what the Church teaches, or pressures you for money.

You're always free to end the relationship. If something felt abusive, contact your diocese, or the superior of the director's religious order. In the United States, dioceses have a victim assistance coordinator. The role is mainly for people abused as minors, and many dioceses also help adults harmed by clergy or Church staff. If your situation falls outside it, the coordinator can point you to the right person. If a crime was committed, you can also go to the police.

If you can't find one yet

Don't wait to start growing. Keep your prayer routine, go to Confession regularly, and ask your confessor short questions there; many priests give a little direction in the confessional. Keep asking around and praying for the right person. In the meantime, you can read up on how to pray and simply begin. When the right director comes along, you'll have a lot to talk about.