Examination of conscience for married couples: questions for both of you

An examination of conscience for married couples looks at your sins as a husband or wife: how you pray, talk, spend, love and forgive inside your marriage. Each spouse answers the questions alone, before God. Examine separately, confess separately, and confess only your own sins, never your spouse's. At the end there are a few questions to talk through together.

How should married couples examine their conscience?

Each of you takes the questions on your own, with a few quiet minutes and a short prayer: "Holy Spirit, show me where I've loved well and where I haven't." Read slowly. When something is true, write a few words and roughly how often.

It's tempting to read a list like this and think of your spouse. "She should really look at that one." Try to let that go. This is about the part of the marriage you're responsible for. Your spouse answers for theirs.

Then go to Confession on your own. You can go the same evening, even to the same priest, but each of you confesses alone, and the seal of confession covers each of you. Name your sins, not your spouse's. If you need context, keep it short: "I was harsh with my husband during an argument" is enough. The priest doesn't need the other side, and your spouse deserves the discretion you'd want for yourself.

Prayer and faith

• Have I prayed for my spouse by name, or mostly complained about them?
• Have we prayed together at all, even grace before meals or a short prayer at night?
• Have I made it harder for us to get to Sunday Mass, or used my spouse as my excuse to skip?
• Have I treated God as part of our marriage, or as a private matter that stops at the front door?
• If my spouse doesn't share my faith, have I lived mine kindly, without nagging or contempt?

How you talk to each other

• Have I used sarcasm, contempt or name-calling in an argument?
• Have I gone silent to punish my spouse, instead of saying what was wrong?
• Have I listened to understand, or only waited for my turn to talk?
• Have I criticized my spouse to friends, to family, online, or in front of the children?
• Have I lied to my spouse, even about small things, to avoid an argument?
• Have I thanked my spouse lately, or told them what I love about them?

Intimacy and openness to life

The Church sees married intimacy as good and holy. It unites husband and wife, and it stays open to new life (CCC 2362-2363). These questions are about protecting that gift.

• Have I been faithful in my heart and on my phone, including flirting or an emotional closeness that belongs to my marriage?
• Have I looked at pornography? It wounds trust, and it can become a compulsion that is hard to break alone. Confession helps, and so can a counselor or a support group. Our guide on quitting porn as a Catholic has practical steps.
• Have I refused intimacy to punish my spouse, or pressed for it with no care for how they felt?
• Have we used contraception rather than staying open to life (CCC 2370)? If you have just reasons to space children, the Church supports natural family planning (CCC 2368, 2370). Many couples were never taught this. If it's new to you, bring it to a priest as an honest question.

Money

• Have I hidden purchases, debts or accounts from my spouse?
• Have I made big money decisions alone that we should have made together?
• Have I used money to control my spouse, or held it over them?
• Have I spent on myself what our family needed?
• Have we given to the poor and to the Church in proportion to what we have?

Children

• Have I taught our children to pray and brought them to Mass, by example as well as by words (CCC 2226)?
• Have I given them my attention, or mostly my phone?
• Have I corrected them in anger, or shamed them?
• Have I undermined my spouse in front of them, or tried to win them to my side?
• Have I treated one child as the favorite?

In-laws and the wider family

Marriage makes a new family: a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife (Genesis 2:24). You still honor your parents. Your spouse now comes first.

• Have I put my parents' wishes ahead of my spouse's, or let them steer our decisions?
• Have I spoken badly of my in-laws, or made my spouse choose between us and them?
• Have I been cold or unwelcoming to my spouse's family?
• Have I helped our aging parents, mine and theirs, as far as we're able (CCC 2218)?

Forgiveness

• Have I kept score, bringing old wrongs into new arguments?
• Have I refused to apologize first, or refused an apology when it came?
• Have I forgiven in words but kept punishing with coldness?
• Is there a grudge I haven't brought to God?

Forgiving doesn't mean pretending a serious wrong never happened. It means you stop holding it over your spouse, and you let God deal with what you can't.

Questions to talk through together

These aren't for Confession. They're for a quiet conversation once a week or once a month, after the children are asleep. Start by thanking each other for one thing. Speak about yourself ("I felt unheard"), not about your spouse's character.

• Where did we pray together this week, and where could we add a few minutes?
• When did one of us feel unheard or alone?
• Is there a money decision we keep avoiding?
• Have we talked honestly about children, and about what God may be asking of us right now?
• How are we doing with our families?
• Is there anything I need to ask your forgiveness for?

Some couples end this with a short prayer together, or by asking each other's forgiveness out loud. Saying "I'm sorry, will you forgive me?" in plain words does more than most people expect.

What if our marriage is in real trouble?

If your spouse is hurting you, threatening you or controlling you, that isn't your sin, and you don't have to carry it alone. Tell a priest, a counselor or someone you trust, and put your safety first.

If the marriage is strained but safe, a priest or a good marriage counselor can help, and Confession is a sound place to start. You can only change your half. Changing it often changes more than you'd think.

When you're ready, our guide on what to say in Confession gives you the words, and the examination of conscience for adults covers work and the rest of life. If one question above stung, bring that one first.