Examination of conscience for women: questions for real life

An examination of conscience for women follows the same commandments as everyone else's, with questions shaped around the lives many women actually lead. The questions below are grouped by relationship: with God, with the people closest to you, with work and friends, and with yourself. Skip any section that doesn't fit your life, read slowly, and stop where something catches.

Why a separate examination for women?

The Ten Commandments are the same for every Catholic, and the Church asks all of us to examine our conscience “in the light of the Word of God” (CCC 1454). What changes from one life to another is where they show up. A general list asks, "Have I been envious?" A more specific question might ask whether you scrolled past another woman's home, marriage or career and came away resentful.

These questions don't assume you're married or a mother. Some sections are for everyone, and some start with "if". If you'd prefer the classic version, ordered by the commandments, it's here: examination of conscience.

Before you begin

Ask the Holy Spirit for light, in a sentence: "Lord, show me what I need to see." Then look back to your last Confession. Being tired, overwhelmed or sad is not a sin. You're looking for choices, not feelings. And you're not looking for every flaw in your personality, only the places where you turned away from God or from someone he gave you to love.

Questions about God

Prayer and faith

• Have I let busyness crowd out prayer, even the few minutes I really did have?
• Have I gone whole days without turning to God, and then felt I had to carry everything alone?
• Have I trusted horoscopes, tarot or fortune-telling for guidance?
• Have I used God's name carelessly or in anger?
• Have I received Communion while aware of a serious sin I hadn't yet confessed (CCC 1385)?

Sunday

• Have I missed Mass on a Sunday or holy day of obligation without a serious reason? Illness and the care of infants are serious reasons (CCC 2181).
• Have I treated Sunday as a catch-up day for chores and email, instead of a day of rest and time with God?

Questions about the people closest to you

For everyone

• Have I held on to resentment toward someone in my family, replaying an old hurt instead of trying to forgive?
• Have I been short, cold or sarcastic at home because I was tired, and not apologized?
• Have I been unkind to my parents, or neglected them?

If you are single

• Have I let loneliness or waiting turn into bitterness toward God, or toward friends whose lives look different from mine?
• Have I used my time and freedom generously, or mostly for myself?
• In dating, have I respected my own dignity and the other person's?

If you are married

• Have I been harsh with my husband, criticized him in front of others, or spoken to him with contempt?
• Have I complained about him to friends or family in a way that hurt his good name?
• Have I withheld affection or forgiveness to punish him?
• Have I been faithful in thought and action, including in emotional closeness with another man?
• Have we been open to life in the way the Church asks of married couples (CCC 2370)?

If you are a mother

• Have I yelled at my children, or said things meant to wound?
• Have I prayed with my children and taught them the faith, or left that to someone else?
• Have I pushed my children for my own pride, or compared them unkindly with others?
• Have I given them my attention, or mostly my phone?

If you care for a parent or relative

• Have I been impatient or cold with someone who depends on me?
• Have I spoken of them as a burden, especially where they could hear?
• Have I refused help out of pride, then resented everyone who didn't offer it?

Questions about work, friends and others

• Have I measured my life against other women's (their homes, bodies, marriages, careers, children) and resented them for what they have? Envy is sadness at someone else's good (CCC 2539).
• Have I gossiped, or shared someone's private struggles under the cover of concern or a prayer request?
• Have I judged other women harshly for their choices about work, marriage or motherhood?
• Have I said yes to everyone to be liked, and then resented them for it?
• Have I lied, or stayed silent about what was true or right, to avoid someone's disapproval?
• Have I taken credit for someone else's work, or quietly undermined a colleague I saw as a rival?
• Have I given honest work for my pay, and treated the people I work with or manage fairly?
• Have I been honest in what I post online, or built an image of my life that isn't true?

Questions about yourself

Vanity and the body

• Have I spent more time, money or thought on my appearance than is reasonable, or dressed mainly to draw attention?
• Have I harmed my health on purpose, through extreme dieting, drinking too much, or neglecting real needs?

Purity

• Have I deliberately entertained impure thoughts or fantasies, including through books, shows or pornography?
• Have I engaged in sexual activity outside of marriage?
• Have I put myself in situations I knew would lead me into sin?

Honesty and money

• Have I told small lies to keep the peace or to look better?
• Have I hidden spending, or spent beyond what we could afford?
• Have I been generous with people in need, as far as I was able?

How do I know if something is a mortal sin?

A sin is mortal only when three things are all true: the matter is grave, you knew it was seriously wrong, and you chose it with deliberate consent (CCC 1857). Pressure, exhaustion and habit can lessen how responsible you are. That's why you don't need to settle every question alone. If you're unsure, confess it and say you're unsure, and the priest will help.

If you tend to worry too much about sin, keep it simple. Confess what you clearly know, and trust the priest with the rest.

What do I say in Confession?

A few words for each sin is enough: what it was, and roughly how often. "I was harsh with my children, most days." "I gossiped about a friend, a few times." You don't need the backstory. If you'd like the exact words from start to finish, see what to say in Confession. If you can, a short daily examen each evening makes the next examination much lighter. And if a question above stung, that's not a reason to stay away. It's usually the very thing worth bringing.